Anger, Arrogance and Apathy

One of the most devastating tools of Satan is unresolved anger. By unresolved anger I mean anger that becomes sin and then is not dealt with. It occurs far too often in churches, at the workplace, and in marriages. An offense occurs; the offended party becomes angry; the offender makes no effort to make things right or may not even know an offense has occurred; the offended person stews and steams and, although they eventually calm down, the anger is still there and is not resolved.

What happens with a person who has unresolved anger inside them? Eventually, that unresolved anger will lead to an arrogance which says "I deserve better than that" or "That person owes me an apology" or "I'll forgive but I'm sure not gonna forget - he (she) better not do something like that to me again!"

And so the unresolved anger, let's call it by its other name "bitterness", causes the offended person to become arrogant. Arrogance is to bitterness what fertilizer is to a garden; it causes that root of bitterness to flourish and produce many sour fruits. The worst of those fruits is apathy.

Apathy says "I just don't care anymore". The offended person let anger or the root of bitterness grow; arrogance fertilized it; the poisonous fruit of apathy grew larger and larger; when fully ripe, it killed the very gardener who had nurtured it. How many churches are "dead' because of the poison fruit of apathy. How many marriages? How many families? How many souls?

Anger unresolved will always lead to arrogance unrestrained. Arrogance unrestrained will always lead to apathy unabated. Apathy unabated will always lead to death - death of a dream, death of a church, death of a marriage, death of a soul. It does not have to be so.

The solution to unresolved anger? The hymn writer William Walsham How said it well: "Bringing all my burdens, sorrow, sin, and care; at Thy feet I lay them, and I leave them there."

Are you struggling with unresolved anger? Has it led to the fuming thoughts of how you should be treated better or how that person should apologize? Have you reached the point of such apathy that you just don't even care any longer? It is not too late to lay those things at the feet of Christ and leave them there. May our good God give you grace to do so.

Who Do We Blame?

During the years I worked as a forester I always carried a pocket knife with me. Most of those years I carried it in my back pocket. Eventually, that knife would wear a hole in the pocket.

One day my wife, Deborah, asked "Why do you always wear a hole in the back pocket of your work pants?" I replied "Because that's where I carry my knife". "I never heard of anyone carrying a knife in the back pocket", she said. "Why do you do that?" Without a thought I replied "Because that's where daddy carried his knife".

It was years later, only after we had begun counseling and had heard many answers to the question "Why do or why did you do that?" that I recalled the conversation Deborah and I had about the knife. How quickly and easily we blame others!

"Why did you have an affair?"

"Because my spouse ..."

"Why do you abuse your wife?"

"Because my dad abused his wife."

"Why do you struggle with addictions?"

"Because my parents were alcoholics."

"Why this? Why that? Why the other?"

"Because of something someone else did. It's really not my fault."

From where do such silly answers and such quick disowning of our sins come? We only have to look at the Book of Genesis to find out. In Genesis 3 God asked Adam if he had disobeyed. Adam's response to God was "The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree and I ate." In other words, "Yes, I sinned, God, but it was first of all the fault of my wife and ultimately it was Your fault!! If you hadn't given her to me I wouldn't have been tempted and had I not been tempted I would not have sinned." Man's shifting of blame started that day and continues even now.

Do the past hurts in our lives affect us? Absolutely. Do the patterns we saw in our parents influence us? Without a doubt. Do the sinful choices of other people tempt us? Over and over. Are any of these things so great that they overwhelm the power of the Holy Spirit to "keep you from stumbling" (Jude 24). No! It will never be.

I still carry a pocket knife but I carry it in my front pocket now. Why? Because I realized that I wasn't bound to do something which ruined my pant pocket just because that is what I had learned from my daddy. That is really a trite matter when compared to the hard struggles with sin which we are so prone to blame on someone else. Even so, the principle is the same. So, as you struggle with your own past or as you help others who do, the Word of God for the real Christian is that "we are made more than conquerors through Him who loved us" (Romans 8:37). Run hard to Him. Hide those sins, remove them forever, in the blood of Christ. Be bound to them no more.

How Can These Things Be?

There has been a lot in the news recently about the separation of Al and Tipper Gore after over 40 years of marriage. As I reflected on that, I recalled one couple we knew who divorced after 53 years of marriage. The only comment I ever heard from the wife was "I just couldn't take it anymore". At the other extreme, we knew one couple who were married for only one week before divorce papers were filed.

How can these things be? I remember at one time the Gores claimed to be born-again Christians. The husband in the 53-year-marriage had been a deacon in a Baptist church. The couple whose marriage lasted only a week had a huge wedding in an evangelical church. It is not that any of the couples claimed to be godless. But, at least in the area of their marriages, you would have to call all these people "practical atheists". That is, they did not believe God was big enough, alive enough, or powerful enough for their marriage. They became overcome by their own desire to be god and control their own destinies. They had "a form of godliness but denied His power" for their situation.

Regrettably, we all have placed ourselves on the throne of our lives many times. We have wanted what we want, chosen to act as we wanted to act, and lived as we wanted to live time and again. Even though we have preached or sung or taught or attended church faithfully we have been as guilty of setting ourselves up as little gods as those couples mentioned above.

What are the root issues in a marriage break-up? in a failed ministry? in a financial crisis? in any other area which sends people to a pastor or counselor? There are always three root issues. First, there is pride which says " I deserve better" Maybe it's "I deserve a more responsive wife" or "a better job" or "to be appreciated more", etc. etc. etc. Pride always makes such claims. And such pride is always sin. Secondly, there is selfishness which says "Not only do I deserve this but I'm going to get it!" It takes such forms as "I deserve to have my sexual needs met and, if my wife doesn't do it, I'll go elsewhere". It may be "I deserve some new clothes and I know we can't afford that but I'm going to buy them anyway." Thirdly, there is unbelief which says "God alone is not enough for me. Yes, I want God but I also must have this (better sex, new clothes etc.) in order to be 'happy'."

There you have it. Are there marital problems? Addictions? Financial problems? Work related problems? Spiritual problems? Any other problems? We must always look past the symptoms and to the deeper issues of pride, selfishness, and unbelief if we are to find real solutions to the real problems of life. May God allow us to see ourselves and those with whom we counsel through His eyes.

God, Please Wipe the Mud Off My Coat

We had been teaching our youngest daughter, Susan, the importance of prayer. We had also been emphasizing to her that our God is truly a prayer-answering God. On another front, we were also teaching her to take care of her clothes, particularly the new coat we had just purchased for her to wear to school.

With the warning, "Don't get your new coat dirty" we had left Susan, who was probably six or seven years old at the time, with her grandmother. As usual, they had a great time together but, when it was time for her to return home, Susan became unusually quiet. Watching in the rearview mirror, my mother could see Susan praying. She would pray and then look at her new coat. After repeating that several times, Susan finally said "Grandmama, God didn't answer my prayer". Still driving, but probably somewhat slower, grandmama wisely asked "What was your prayer, Susan?" "Well", she said, "I asked God to wipe the mud off my coat but it's still there." It certainly became a teachable moment as my mother explained to Susan that God expects us to do what we can do for ourselves.

In some ways, that is a sweet and funny little story. In other ways, it reminds me of stories we so often hear in counseling - stories of people who want life to be better, who want happiness, who want out of financial bondage, who want their marriages to be better, who want the dirt and filth wiped away from their lives - but do not want to take any action themselves. They expect God or their spouse or their church or someone else to "wipe the mud off their coats" while they go on making sinful choices and not forsaking the sins which only they can deal with. How sad it is to tell someone to "humble your self and pray and seek God's face and turn from your wicked ways" and then watch them walk away mad at God because He didn't "fix" their problem.

Do you know someone who is a Christian and yet is struggling and feels that God has not answered their prayer? Perhaps you could speak an encouraging word to them. Encourage them to be certain they have wiped the sin off their heart before accusing God of not caring. Teach them that God cares too much for His children to do for them those things He has commanded them to do for themselves. Show them how to examine themselves to make certain they are in the faith. For those who are perhaps good, churchy folks but not really lovers of Christ, the prayer to which God responds is "God be merciful to me, a sinner".

If we can ever help you or those you love, feel free to contact us.

Little Dreams - big God

I considered it to be the death of a dream. After 12 years of ministry, 12 years of prayer, tears, joy, and labor, it was all over - Gilead Retreat and Counseling Center was no more. We had sold the entire facility just the day before. No more mowing 15 acres; no more cleaning and maintaining 24 sinks, 18 commodes, 13 showers and four urinals; no more huge utility bills nor many thousands of dollars for insurance and property taxes each year; no more cooking meals for conference attendees nor washing load after load after load of dishes after each meal. Those were fleeting thoughts but the thought that truly seemed to be the dream killer kept returning - NO MORE MINISTRY, NO MORE CALL.

That’s how I felt some years ago as we hosted our last conference at the retreat facility we had poured our lives into for all those years. I sat quietly and listened as a great warrior for Christ, an itinerant evangelist who has been on the battlefield for over 60 years, began to speak. His audience was a group of about 70 men, most of whom were young and many who were called to become pastors. Suddenly it dawned on me - the dream had not died! In fact, it had been fulfilled in ways we could never have imagined. I could never have dreamed that 70 men at one time would be trained and encouraged to"Drop to the ground and die in order that your congregations might find Life." I could never have dreamed that so many young pastors at one time would be taught to pursue holiness, to live in the power of the Holy Spirit and fire, and to set their hearts toward longing and praying for true national revival. I could have never dreamed that our own souls would be so lovingly nurtured during those years nor that we would be given the privileges of walking alongside so many hurting people. I realized then that my dream wasn’t dead - it had just been far too small!

Our great Father, in wondrous kindness, gave Deborah and me much over which to rejoice in those days. Yes, Gilead was gone but the dream was not. The setting for ministry would be different but the call would be the same. The opportunities for ministry would be greater than ever as we became more and more directly involved in the lives of hurting people.

We look back now and see that, as always, God was orchestrating these things for our good and His glory. Now we are involved in the lives of many couples as we, as a couple, provide both pre-marital and marital counseling to other couples. Now we have more opportunity than ever, both individually and as a couple, to provide Biblical insight and help to those struggling with grief, depression, family struggles, addictions and other issues. Most of all, we now have new opportunities daily to point all who come our way to the absolute sufficiency of Christ.

I now realize that the ministry to which we are called isn’t really a dream anyway. It has been and continues to be a real call by our good God for His own glory. It was never about Gilead, never about us, nor even ever about those to whom we minister. It is about Him; it is through Him; it is for His glory. Glory to God in the highest!

Christ Church Counseling

Deborah and I were involved in counseling on a part-time basis for a number of years. It began in the 1990's as a ministry to pastors and their families and, although we continue to be active in that area, has expanded to include others as well. We are thankful indeed that God has allowed us to lay other things aside in order to provide Biblical counseling on a full-time basis.

Through the kindness of our great God, Christ Church in New Albany, Mississippi, has provided an office and other meeting space as needed. In counseling, we neither promote Christ Church nor any particular denomination. We do promote Christ, believing Him, through His Word and Spirit, to provide answers to all of the perplexities and difficulties of life. We do so with great confidence because we have found Him sufficient for all our needs for many years.

If we can assist you or anyone you know through the application of Biblical truths for the difficulties of life, please feel free to contact us.

God's Answers to Man's Problems

I have been working for several months on the Theology Exam which is one of the requirements for becoming a member of the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors (NANC). I'm not sure why the founders of that group chose to use the word "Nouthetic" rather than "Biblical" but the purpose of the group is to promote and assist in counseling that recognizes Scripture as the sole and final authority in counseling. Deborah and I adhere totally to that principle, believing the Word of God to have answers to the problems of His people. We are not psychologists; we are Biblical Counselors. I don't have a doctorate in any of the social or mental disciplines; my doctorate is in Biblical Counseling. We have no reason to apply Scripture "plus" anything; we have found Christ as revealed in Scripture to be all sufficient for the needs of those who come our way.

Do we disregard medical needs? No. Do we deny the existence of medical conditions which affect the abilities of the mind to function correctly? No. But - we do believe that many medical conditions and many "conditions of the mind" have a spiritual root. As we deal with addictions, we deal with them knowing that the the root of the problem is spiritual; as we deal with marriage problems, we recognize that the root problem is spiritual; as we deal with depression, we recognize that the root problem is often spiritual and offer hope in Christ.

At its best, nouthetic counseling lovingly confronts counselees with the truth of the Word of God and authoritatively states changes which must be made by the counselee. It is the Word of God, lovingly applied to the soul of man, and nurtured by the Spirit of God, which will bring about lasting change. Deborah and I are nothing more than those who have found a spring of Living Water and point others to that Source. if we can ever help you or those you love, please let us know.