Who Do We Blame?

During the years I worked as a forester I always carried a pocket knife with me. Most of those years I carried it in my back pocket. Eventually, that knife would wear a hole in the pocket.

One day my wife, Deborah, asked "Why do you always wear a hole in the back pocket of your work pants?" I replied "Because that's where I carry my knife". "I never heard of anyone carrying a knife in the back pocket", she said. "Why do you do that?" Without a thought I replied "Because that's where daddy carried his knife".

It was years later, only after we had begun counseling and had heard many answers to the question "Why do or why did you do that?" that I recalled the conversation Deborah and I had about the knife. How quickly and easily we blame others!

"Why did you have an affair?"

"Because my spouse ..."

"Why do you abuse your wife?"

"Because my dad abused his wife."

"Why do you struggle with addictions?"

"Because my parents were alcoholics."

"Why this? Why that? Why the other?"

"Because of something someone else did. It's really not my fault."

From where do such silly answers and such quick disowning of our sins come? We only have to look at the Book of Genesis to find out. In Genesis 3 God asked Adam if he had disobeyed. Adam's response to God was "The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree and I ate." In other words, "Yes, I sinned, God, but it was first of all the fault of my wife and ultimately it was Your fault!! If you hadn't given her to me I wouldn't have been tempted and had I not been tempted I would not have sinned." Man's shifting of blame started that day and continues even now.

Do the past hurts in our lives affect us? Absolutely. Do the patterns we saw in our parents influence us? Without a doubt. Do the sinful choices of other people tempt us? Over and over. Are any of these things so great that they overwhelm the power of the Holy Spirit to "keep you from stumbling" (Jude 24). No! It will never be.

I still carry a pocket knife but I carry it in my front pocket now. Why? Because I realized that I wasn't bound to do something which ruined my pant pocket just because that is what I had learned from my daddy. That is really a trite matter when compared to the hard struggles with sin which we are so prone to blame on someone else. Even so, the principle is the same. So, as you struggle with your own past or as you help others who do, the Word of God for the real Christian is that "we are made more than conquerors through Him who loved us" (Romans 8:37). Run hard to Him. Hide those sins, remove them forever, in the blood of Christ. Be bound to them no more.

How Can These Things Be?

There has been a lot in the news recently about the separation of Al and Tipper Gore after over 40 years of marriage. As I reflected on that, I recalled one couple we knew who divorced after 53 years of marriage. The only comment I ever heard from the wife was "I just couldn't take it anymore". At the other extreme, we knew one couple who were married for only one week before divorce papers were filed.

How can these things be? I remember at one time the Gores claimed to be born-again Christians. The husband in the 53-year-marriage had been a deacon in a Baptist church. The couple whose marriage lasted only a week had a huge wedding in an evangelical church. It is not that any of the couples claimed to be godless. But, at least in the area of their marriages, you would have to call all these people "practical atheists". That is, they did not believe God was big enough, alive enough, or powerful enough for their marriage. They became overcome by their own desire to be god and control their own destinies. They had "a form of godliness but denied His power" for their situation.

Regrettably, we all have placed ourselves on the throne of our lives many times. We have wanted what we want, chosen to act as we wanted to act, and lived as we wanted to live time and again. Even though we have preached or sung or taught or attended church faithfully we have been as guilty of setting ourselves up as little gods as those couples mentioned above.

What are the root issues in a marriage break-up? in a failed ministry? in a financial crisis? in any other area which sends people to a pastor or counselor? There are always three root issues. First, there is pride which says " I deserve better" Maybe it's "I deserve a more responsive wife" or "a better job" or "to be appreciated more", etc. etc. etc. Pride always makes such claims. And such pride is always sin. Secondly, there is selfishness which says "Not only do I deserve this but I'm going to get it!" It takes such forms as "I deserve to have my sexual needs met and, if my wife doesn't do it, I'll go elsewhere". It may be "I deserve some new clothes and I know we can't afford that but I'm going to buy them anyway." Thirdly, there is unbelief which says "God alone is not enough for me. Yes, I want God but I also must have this (better sex, new clothes etc.) in order to be 'happy'."

There you have it. Are there marital problems? Addictions? Financial problems? Work related problems? Spiritual problems? Any other problems? We must always look past the symptoms and to the deeper issues of pride, selfishness, and unbelief if we are to find real solutions to the real problems of life. May God allow us to see ourselves and those with whom we counsel through His eyes.